My friends it appears that I am the victim of a hoax. I know what you are thinking, how could this happen? How could this well-read, well-informed dog trainer/sheriffs deputy/ranch owner/state employee get scammed? And if it can happen to her.....what makes me think the world will ever be safe to venture out into again? Alas, it is true. Someone has cross bred a chupacabra, a beaver and a raccoon and painted it black and white and passed it off to me as a female border collie puppy. There.....it's out. I admit it. I've been duped.
My first clue was that you never see her do anything. Not that you aren't there when it happens but it happens at the speed of light. You literally can't react fast enough to stop the train wreck from happening. It just does. Sometimes it leaves you staring at an equally stunned family member asking, "What just happened here?" The creature, who we named Alice in a moment of ignorance and bliss, can grab and carry off anything that isn't nailed, screwed, cemented, welded or permanently affixed to something the size and weight of a WalMart delivery truck. Strictly covert operations mind you. She is sneaky. Don't think she doesn't know when you are looking and when you are not. I'm sure she/it is at least part chupacabra and there is some "goat sucking" going on when I'm not looking. Those hairless creature pictures that they display on the internet that are accompanied by the article titled, "13 yr old kills legendary Chupacabra as it tries to raid the family farm" are just slow, lethargic creatures posing as Chupacabra. They are the rubes. The "throw downs" meant to distract the general population while the real masterminds like "Alice" come in behind the scenes and infiltrate our homes posing as your family dog. I'm onto them though and I intend to expose her for what she really is!
Just try penning up this creature and you'll see why I suspect that there is some beaver DNA present as well. We use a wire dog crate in our house to contain all our dogs during feeding time and during the night. Alice can suck into her crate draperies, towels, dog leashes, hats and paper and makes quick work of dissecting it. It has been theorized that she is an alien species that is attempting to build a craft out of spare parts or some communication device to call in others of her kind as reinforcements. I'm guessing that isn't working so well for her as: a) no help has yet arrived or b) she hasn't found the paperclip, popsicle stick and duct tape necessary to McGiver a satellite dish for transmission. She just doesn't strike me as the builder class of beaver but more of the demolition crew beaver anyway.
The olfactory and manipulation ability is what makes me think Alice's remaining DNA is raccoon. Leave out anything and she can find it. Hide it and her eyes gleam with the anticipation of a challenge. She can unlock crate doors, lift latches by flipping over and using her feet to push up and reach out and pull anything with these incredibly long legs and attempt use of her toes as gripping fingers. Nothing is safe.
My recommendation is that you stop reading this now and start making plans. Save yourself. Get your kids out of the kiddie pool and run. Believe me, if this thing gets out........no one and nothing will be safe ever again. Gotta go..........it has found the water hose and my car keys........
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment